bigmouth strikes again.

Days of complete isolation, stomachaches, feeling sick and nervous, not being able to eat even when hungry. How long I've been feeling like this?
Is it the drugs?, the alcohol?, the london?, the dubstep?, the circumstances?

I really believe that I haven't done enough shitty class E drugs to feel like this. Anyways, I have a big mouth and I tell people everything I do. They laugh, they say they don't judge me, they do. They do it everytime I open my big mouth and say things like "i did so much mephedrone last nite"(I dont say this in a pseudo-prentencious way, for me is just a comment but apparently is not that simple for them). They also judge me when I lie, when I try to stick to the "real" world we live in and that they enjoy.
My intent to stick to this world is so in vain cuz it always comes up in a shape of a lie, which is not a lie, really. is just me, talking bullshit.

I don't believe in absolute truths... I don't know who I am, I don't own or hold opinions or arguments, I don't know where I come from or where Im going. All I do is go with the flow and if i stop to put some brain on stuff, it just gets chaotic.

But going with the flow is bringing me some troubles lately cuz i just cant hold the same opinion with different people. i dont like trouble, you know? i just give people what they wanna hear. it makes communication so much easier and more effective innit?

Some people get so pissed at this, they say they can't stand liars but i reckon everyone lies or at least they put a lie in a fancy dress to make it look like an adorable truth. it doesnt require special skills to do it, is innate.

Some people are so demanding, they can't stand lies but they can't handle the truth either, what should i do then? how can you manage this mess? how should i behave to not piss off these people?

i wanna have a peaceful soul, i dont want to argue about it, each to their own.

Other people get shocked by this thoughts, they laugh uncomfortably to make me feel better but I cry, i cry dry tears inside, no no no it is not a good feeling. Funnily enough they keep laughing and saying that they are not shocked, that everyone have the same feelings that they all think the same, sometimes.
How the hell do they know this? is that a fact? It makes no sense to me at all.

I just dont know what im talking about, ever. Is like feeling you always choose the wrong answer, in all the question life, people or god asks you, so you choose the answer you would never normally choose and then again, wrong.

Im kinda lost in life... honestly but yet, i don't think i will ever stand these money-making-machine people reading their "who ate my cheese" books that give up their emotional intelligence to sell their souls to $$$. I mean, there should be something else innit? something more meaningful. i know i know... we all need money to pay the rent but once the rent and food is payed why the bloody ambicious needs more? anyways, thats the way we roll, sadly.

At the end the only thing (i think) i know is this feeling, or just feelings in general, (the ones i perceive). and this, our empathy, that goes beyond...

The rest is just a huge question mark.

X

Arianna.

Listening to: corn flex-roundhousekicks (2008-11 live mix)